"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
