Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
