why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
