I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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