Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
