2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
