so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
operation have a gay friend backfired
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
