mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
