Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
