we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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