Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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