we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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