She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
