I'm gonna have a badass scar
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
