Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
