all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
