I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
