Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
