i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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