I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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