dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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