You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
