I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
