I got chris browned last night
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
