His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
