Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
