I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
