evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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