Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
