Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
