i just sent this text using only my big toe
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
