Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
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Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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