Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
