I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
