at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
