It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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