I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
