i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
