I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
