I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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