I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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