You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
