Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Randomize
