I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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