What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
