Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
