Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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