woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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