New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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