he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
