sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
