dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
