just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
