she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
