You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
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Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
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Floor bacon is actually really good
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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