This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I want to be your penis for a week.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
