It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
