i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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