i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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