The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You can't just leave with hair like that
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
